I feel pretty nuts most of the time.
I’m usually feeling anxious, and occasionally when I’m feeling anxious I also feel miserable. Sometimes I feel just miserable but not anxious; I suppose that’s when you could say I’m having a bout with depression. That doesn’t happen very often, fortunately. I feel bad for people who are just depressed all the time. At least when I’m anxious I RUN AROUND LIKE CRAZY GETTING A WHOLE BUNCH OF STUFF DONE ! (Not really. I just think about all the stuff I need to do, but feel too anxious to see any of it through. Let’s be honest, here.) Though, if I was just depressed, I’d probably get a lot more TV watching and napping done. Toss-up. Because that DVD of Honeysuckle Rose has just been sitting on my shelf for way too long. Nikki. Feel sorry for yourself one of these days, stay in your jam-jams and watch me. – Willie Nelson (Yeah, it’s Willie’s voice talking to me from the DVD, and he says stuff like jam-jams. He’s really high, you know.)
I got fed up with all this sometime last year and started seeing an acupuncturist (whom I love – I highly recommend doing that) and taking herbs. Throw in visits with a therapist. And then an eight-week mindfulness-based stress reduction class, which requires I meditate for an hour a day (sometimes I do, even!).
But the thing that raises me up (or down, as the case often is) to a place of equanimity, the word appearing over and over again in all the mindfulness readings I’ve been doing which is apparently the thing you’re supposed to strive toward, but not really, because mindfulness is not about striving but about just being and if you can just be then BOOM equanimity? That thing (that thing mentioned at the beginning of that really long run-on sentence) is Don Williams.
I mean, look at him here. He’s just leaning on a Chevy. What is that, a Bel Air hardtop (did I get that right)? Hand on hip. Cowboy hat. Holding a Coke. Just holding a Coke. Just… holding a Coke. That’s all.
Anyway, I’m listening to this record right now, his 1978 album Portrait, and listening to Don Williams always puts me in a chill sort of mood, whether I’m too wound up (usually), or feeling too low. On the front of the record, he’s squinting into the camera all, “What?” and holding a cigarette. What? The B-side is one of my favorite record sides, I think.
Steal My Heart Away
Love’s Endless War
Woman You Should Be in Movies
Love Me Over Again
Good Ole Boys Like Me
Relaxed and calm, but upbeat. Introspective, but gentle. Just holding a can of Coke, not thinkin’ about nothin’ too much. That’s where I want to be.