I have contracted a virus. Sick Day Record Roulette Rules are as follows:
- Pull record at random from shelves.
- Listen to it front to back, even when it’s the Best of the Statler Brothers, because chances are you forgot how nicely Harold Reid’s bass rumbles through your speakers.
- Then do it over again.
The Best of the Statler Brothers – The Statler Brothers (1975)
3x Multi-Platinum, and peaked at #2 on the Country Charts. Also features that song Bruce Willis sings along to either before or after being sodomized (I don’t remember which, but I do know Quentin Tarantino is looking terrible lately, and should probably go to AA or become a Scientologist or something).
It’s a Monster’s Holiday – Buck Owens (1974)
The title song is about Halloween (or if not specifically about Halloween, about monsters). The cover’s got monsters on it. But aside from a parody of the Shel Silverstein-penned, Dr. Hook & the Medicine Show-recorded hit (here, “The Cover of the Music City News”), the rest of the album is pretty typical mid-70s, cover-heavy Buckaroos fare. It’s not a Halloween album, or even a holiday album, or even a kid’s album. I can’t explain it.
According to Eileen Sisk’s 2010 biography of Buck Owens, the song was written just before Halloween 1973, but not released ’til June of the following year – hardly prime-time for promoting a song about monsters. So they contacted General Mills about getting a load of Franken Berry and Boo Berry cereal, sent it off to radio stations as giveaways, and kiddie listeners took the song to #6.
Even stranger, this puzzling album was the last released during guitar/fiddle player and Buckaroo’s bandleader Don Rich lifetime – he died in a motorcycle crash less than a month later.
Does Fort Worth Ever Cross Your Mind – George Strait (1984)
This George Strait song makes me wish I could dance worth a shit (or at least wish that guy who tucked his Budweiser into the back pocket of his tight Wranglers and strong-armed me and my friend Jenn into dancing with him at the Confederate Railroad show at Povlitzki’s on 65 was in my living room right now, because when a legit country dancer like he was is swingin’ you ’round, you don’t really need to know how to dance). Appropriately, the fourth track on the album is called “You’re Dancin’ This Dance All Wrong.” And when I googled that song, I found this wiki-how page, which proved instructive because I’m fairly sure if I ever tried, that George Strait song would probably start playing, no matter what pole I was on. Now, wouldn’t that be a sight? But at least I know now to pick a name other than Precious, Diamond, Barbie or Ferrari, because those are old hat. Anyway, I picked mine a long time ago, using a popular generator – it’s Rusty (first pet) Dakota (childhood street). Take that, Precious. I mean, don’t. It’s mine.
The Best of Dottie West – Dottie West (1984)
I confess I really wanted to listen to “Lesson in Leavin'” so maybe my hand went for the Ws. Just maybe. Poor Dottie West. This song kicks every other song’s ass! Every song ever. Kicked right in the keister. Kapow. Crank it, sister!
Look Who’s Blue – Don Gibson (1960)
Don Gibson, trailer park king! Dottie West’s lesser-known* duet partner! I could probably argue with myself for hours whether I like his version of “Just One Time” better, or Connie Smith’s**. The internal repartee would be riveting, believe you me.
*Before you yell at me for referring to Don Gibson as “lesser-known,” consider his competition in Kenny Rogers. **And okay, Connie wins.