I wish I had her television life, living in a modest yet fabulous one-dimensional apartment in New York City, making breakfast and dinner for my husband and a toddler son/drum virtuoso who shares the husband’s name, a pal who gossips with me in the kitchen every morning, rollers in our hair, my only care in the world an overactive imagination fueled by jealousy and a spouse who doesn’t take me seriously, who gets mad when I buy too many hats, and who says my name reeeeeeallllllly slowly when I do stuff like crash his nightclub performances or poker games. Niiiiiiiiikkkkkiiiiiiiiiiiiii…

But above all, I’ve always wanted to give John Wayne a rub down.